Pleading with no hope

Simultaneously... You are spectacular in your beauty And I am appalled by your monstrousness But I cannot help but to love you You bring me nothing much but chaos With your coming and going Yet, it's like I've never left your side Because each moment I've remained in the embrace of your touch...so very rare...by now just an anamnesis when I'm barely here and now And when I'm asked about you I remember my composure only at first I say that I love you and for that love I had to let you be And my heart truly melts and I become frail again I'm no longer who I wanted to be And I say how much I detest you But I love you It's that very monster that I see in your physical being... ...that I see within me What you cannot hide from yourself You will see everyday But one doesn't deal well with what they are not accustomed to And so, I suffer my loss and the reality of my existence That I love you is not a secret to anyone They even know that you are my first really love With no doubt- no hesitation I've always doubted I would know you But now that I do I've also discovered a piece of me